Starting day 2 of teaching with allergies. I'm gonna have to do something about this. I talked to some of the team teachers yesterday, and they said they take up to 4 pills PER DAY to combat their allergies. Oh, my goodness. No thank you! Part of me hates to take meds and put weird things in my bod, and the other part of me (mostly this one is dominating right now) is just worried about the money. We don't have the money for me to spend that much on that many medications. We just don't. Maybe when I have a teacher's salary....

I kept wanting to believe that we would keep living as we are right now if I got a teaching job and a teacher's salary. But it's clear that some of our expenses will HAVE to go up. For instance, we only have $200 budgeted for gasoline. I'm staying home the majority of the summer, and all the gasoline money we save during that time will go toward powering the stupid lawnmower and weed eater. But we're a bit farther out from the majority of the schools that I frequent, so if I have to sub next year (or if I get a job in one of those schools), driving there every day is going to eat up gas money pretty quickly. I think back to when I was subbing for that one month earlier this semester; we went WAY over on our gas money for that month and still haven't fully recovered. At that time, we were $20 shorter a month on our gas money, but I'm thinking just an extra $20/month is not going to help much. Luckily, the gas station by our house is the cheapest in the tri-town area, but even so, it costs about $30-40 to fill up each of our tanks. Hubs has to fill up about once a week, and I try to go as long as possible, but if I'm subbing every day, of course my gas needs increase. I try to only take jobs at nearby schools, but I can't lie: if a job opens up when I need one and it's far away, I have to take it. I figure that my car gets pretty good gas mileage, so I'm not using THAT much. Even if the school is 30 miles away, my car gets about 30 mpg, so I'm only using 2 gals to get back and forth to work. Granted, that 2 gallons will take me $10 to replace at the pump, but as long as I'm making more than $10 at my job -- and I always do -- I'm safe.

I'm really proud of myself for making more than we needed this semester. I really stepped up my game, as far as subbing went. Of course, it helped that I got a little bit of a break at that one elementary school, but.... After people get to know you and see the work you do, they're bound to call you back; it's just a matter of time. Unfortunately, time is not something I have a lot of.

That new friend of mine -- AH -- is a few months younger than me. Assuming she went to college for 4 years, she would've graduated in May 2010 with her Bachelor's while I graduated in July 2010 with my Master's. I'd already been subbing through college and done my student teaching, so I was already a bit ahead of her. But her FB said she'd been looking for a job for 8 months last summer. So I assume she started looking during the 2010-2011 school year and finally found one during the 2011-2012 school year (so she thought). She subbed for one school year total before landing a job around here as a state native. I hate that my resume has a mixed up chronology. Mine should look like hers -- always getting better. Subbing, student teaching, subbing, and then teaching full time. Instead, my has subbing, student teaching, teaching full time, then subbing. I tlooks like I went a step backwards, and that, to me, is a testimony to my lack of good teaching. I know that's not necessarily true, but that' swhat it FEELS like -- I wasn't good enough to get a job last year.

But it's all about who you know (which is totally unfair), so I'm slowly working on the networking side of it. It's difficult for me to do that without feeling pushing and awkward, but you gotta do what you gotta do. I'd almost rather have someone say I'm too annoying about getting a job -- at this point -- than that they didn't even know I was looking for a job.

Got the official news today: I didn't get the job. His secretary was sure to mention that the principal thought I was a "strong candidate" and that they would "keep my info on file in case anything pops up" but I"m sure they say that to everyone. I have no doubt that they do. It's their way of sugarcoating it. And that hurts more than the rejection, I think.

Although, according to a book I read, I really need to stop doing that: over-analyzing. I jump to conclusions and THINK that I know the answer or the motivation of certain comments or actions, and I need to stop acting like I do. Jumping to conclusions and over-analyzing things just hurts my feelings and leaves me bitter.

I know there is something out there for me....but where could it be?

My dad was saying yesterday that there may be a grunt job I have to have for a few years here until the economy gets better. He was saying that I may have to take a crappy teaching job in a crappy district with crappy kids for a few years just to get over this hump. The thought of that makes me want to scream -- what's the point of me busting my butt for so many years and continuing to be involved in professional development and all things education if I don't get any perks because of it?! -- but I can definitely see it coming. I came down here talking a big game of being ready for inner-city schools, but I wasn't In fact, I subbed at one for three days in a row and decided I never wanted to be a teacher again.

hah.

I will say that being a substitute is one of the most degrading jobs i can think of at the moment. The lack of respect for substitutes is absolutely astounding.

Peace

Not to sound like a hippie or anything, but...I'm starting to feel more peaceful. I'm not full-on peaceful, but I'm getting there.

It has taken a lot of hard roads for me to see that God's plan is better than mine could ever be. He knows what He's doing, folks. When He closes one door, it's because He's making room for something better. I don't always see this at first; only after months or maybe a year, I see what He was doing. It is because of this that I try to try Him and know that His plan for me is amazing....I just have to wait it out and try not to screw it up. ;)

I feel so sad and rejected about that job. I felt GREAT about the interview -- as good as I'd felt toward any interview prior to my last full-time job. I can't understand why that school was not it. But...you know, it all happens for a reason.

A friend of mine, I will will call her AH, was supposed to be teaching at an inner-city school last year. Because of some crazy miscommunication with the admin, she ended up not having a position there at all. For one thing, she's a planner like I am, so that was heartbreaking and shock-inducing. But it worked out! She saw how unorganized and incompetent the admin was, and she got to get out of that contract before the year even started. Talk about blessed! But it doesn't stop there: she got offered a long-term position at a WONDERFUL school and has had so many opportunities come her way because of it. The kids adore her and are currently writing letters to the principal to insist that she be hired in a full-time position. She's getting married in September, and she's getting the wedding venue for free because a student's parents own it. She's getting discounts on all of her wedding supplies because she's an educator in this district. She's learning, what she says "most importantly," is that money doesn't buy happiness. I know we could all stand to learn that lesson, but maybe she particularly needed to hear it last year. I don't know. In any case, God took something that she thought was good out of her life to bring in something that has positively been wonderful.

I know that He will do that for me, too, so long as I continue to have a relationship with Him and do my best to be a living witness for Him.

I understand why I didn't get a job last year -- I didn't get my act together. I wasn't as certified as I thought I was. This year, however, I'm in. I'm fully certified and have paid my year-long dues of subbing (which she did last year). I've made contacts and kept my foot in education. This was a building year for me. Maybe He didn't want me to be hired last year so that I wouldn't risk getting it yanked out from underneath me this year. Maybe He knew I wasn't ready to be a teacher in this state yet, so He insisted that I get some experience with these standards first. Maybe He knew that the grade and school I'm supposed to be teaching in would have a really rough year this year -- as far as behavior or respect or whatever -- and wanted to shield me from that. I may never know or understand. I just have to trust that He does not make mistakes.

This is a very hard lesson for me to learn, but it's a valuable one. I may never get this completely right, but at least I know where to go and what is right.

I also took this year to show that I'm resilient. I showed that I'm innovative and dedicated, as well. I don't want to look desperate and needy -- as my dad oh-so-kindly pointed out -- but I do want to make it clear that I am on the hunt and I won't stop until I am allowed to teach again.

I was reading a teaching eBook that said that sometimes, candidates interview wonderfully but still aren't picked to fill that position. Maybe the admin needed to hire from the inside, and he's obligated to conduct 4 total interviews for each spot, so he was just dutifully following the law. Maybe I was the next pick. Or maybe that's just not the school for me.

It's so hard to trust in Him when I am such a planner. He MADE me into a planner like this; He knows my struggles with not knowing what the future holds. If I could see into the future, I probably would jump at the chance. So not being able to see our financial situation farther than September? That's scary. But He has allowed me to build up this nest egg for my family and to use it so that I do not have to work this summer. In fact, he's allowed me to earn almost 2k more than my goal amount in order to put it toward home repairs and upgrades. it makes me wonder if He has a perfect teaching job out there for me and didn't want me to have to get a dinky summer job because He knows I'll want to spend time in my classroom!

It's hard not to get my hopes up, but I'd rather not be disappointed again. I got my hopes SO HIGH for that last job only to find out that I wasn't even a top contender. I need to find a way to make myself stand out and be impressive. I need to find a way to followe God's plan for me. If I ask Him to show me the way, won't He? Won't He guide me to see what I should be doing, and then I have to work to receive my plan? I'm not exactly sure how that works or if I even worded my thoughts accurately. I just know that I need to work on trusting Him more and know that if He wants me to teach this year, I will.

hitting a wall

How can it be that just a few days ago, I was feeling good and secure about this job market? I felt that THIS WAS MY YEAR!

I know the reason I didn't get a job last year: I wasn't certified. I THOUGHT my certification was acceptable, but it turns out, it's really not. And in an economy where every little thing matters, I definitely wasn't getting picked out of 500 applicants

But this year, I've got my certs down. I only am certified in what I truly WANT to teach. I've got an address, DL, and certification in this state. I've subbed for a year and have a few contacts. I've slowly but surely built up a following of teachers who request me when they need to be away.

THIS IS MY YEAR!

Except...it might not be.

I know it's only May and that teaching jobs become available even after school starts -- they're rare, but they happen -- but I've only gotten one call. The school I truly want to be in has not posted any position I'm interested in. My 2nd choice school has posted a tons of jobs I'm interested in and qualified for, but I've only gotten called for one of them.

I thought I had a good shot at that interview, but I just found out that the callbacks have already happened. I didn't get a call. So, I'm out.

Back to Square One.

Again.

I'm so frustrated. I know it's too early in the year to be this frustrated; I didn't start getting truly worried about this last year until we came back from our honeymoon at the end of July/early August and I still had nothing. THEN I panicked and started signing up to be a substitute (and almost missed those opportunities!). I told God I don't want to do this again. I don't want to be a sub again. Hubs needs me to get a teaching job so that he can quit his lousy job and look for something else. And even if his "something else" brings in less money than his previous job, so what? My teaching salary here will bring in more than his current job alone. So there's nothing to worry about. We pay our bills and live like we are right now, and I pay off my student loans and make extra payments on the house and contributions to retirement. From there, we're golden. We save up tons of money each year, we buy a brand new house in 10 years that's wonderful and custom-made -- and we pay with cash -- and everything is peachy-keen.

WHY IS IT NOT WORKING OUT THAT WAY?!

I feel so pressured to get a job this year. Substituting is so stressful. I like the schedule but everything else just plain SUCKS. I need structure and stability and that's something that only a full-time job can give me right now. I feel so hopeless because the job that I THOUGHT I was going to get offered -- or at least make it to the second round -- was nothing. I felt so good about it; if I felt good about that and didn't get it, what have principals thought about me when *I* didn't think the interview went well?!? I must've struck out in a major-league way.

Part of me wants to e-mail that principal and ask for ways in which I could improve. What skills do I need to work on in order to be a top candidate? But I don't want to sound desperate or childish. But I NEED to know. If people are judging me based on my tiny little voice, that's bull. I can't help that; I would certainly speak louder if I could. I dressed in a SUIT, for crying out loud! I brought a portfolio that was chock-full of great information. I'm so tech-savvy and I applied for the tech-savvy-ist district on the block.

Why does he not like me? Why doesn't ANYone like me? Why won't anyone give me a chance? What is it going to take for me to teach here? Is teaching not what I'm supposed to do? If I wasn't teaching, what would I be doing? What answers should I have chanced to give me a chance? What did the other candidates have that I don't have?

I don't know if I can take being rejected like this for another year. It was so hard to go through rejection after rejection last summer; I honestly don't know if I can do this again. It hurts too badly to know that I am just not good enough. I was hoping that the first rattle out of the box wouldn't start this way, but now, all I'm thinking is, "here we go again."

I think the interview went really well. I haven't felt that good about an interview since the one where I got my last job! The principal nodded and smiled during a lot of my answers. The clincher, though, was when I asked him at the end what the ideal educator looks like in his eyes, and he said, "Well, you already touched on a lot of it during your interview." And went on to mention passion and dedication (both of which I mentioned with specific examples) and willingness to try new things (such as technology, which I DEFINITELY talked about).

There's an interview process here that's really about 3 steps long, so I can see why they're doing this now. I should know something by next Tuesday, at the latest.